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Tired

Oh God how have I become so cynical toward some people? I hate this feeling. I hate talking about others:
"Whisper, whisper...UGH! Whisper."


It is a cancer that grows and grows.
Sure they do it. They all do it. They do it about me. But this is not their problem, it is mine. I am the one doing these things and therefore it is the greatest evil.

I don't like feeling this way.


Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me
Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me
Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me

Of Gods and Giants

In the eye of Earth is forged a quake,

Hot, wet, and massive as neurons in the brain,

The sound eternal of gods and giants

To cull the dead that I might rise

From sleep

From cold

From poverty

From the Center’s world came a ship

And from its wrecking birthed a son,

The child eternal of gods and giants

To cull the dead that we might rise

From sleep

From comfort

From apathy

What came to me as I was walking home the other night

O flaming heart
my unseen portion
you are at my door
what are you crying for
is it in your hand

brother of tears
divine forgiveness
you are on my lips
in my fingertips
and in my eyes

to wade away from here we come
to wade away from here we've come
to shallower waters

What is This Fire?

Desire.

Yesterday I was walking around campus shooting some photos and listening to music. I decided to put on some Ryan Adams because I've once again been on a Ryan Adams fix lately. But this time I decided to listen to Demolition because I was never really into it and thought I'd give it a try. Then I came across "Desire," which I'd heard countless times but never listened to.
It was weird. I mean, I always experience God in unexpected places, but this was abnormally vivid. I can't explain it in any other way than to say that it became prayer.

I went to the FoxHole to do some homework like I usually do and Hannah and I ended up having a really good conversation. It was funny because she brought up a point that I had been thinking about the past few days. We talked about feeling awful and having life seem like complete crap and just dwelling on that like pitiful people like many do. But we both knew that regardless of how we felt at certain times, we were doing GREAT. Regardless of how crappy things are with work, school, relationships, health, whatever. We were doing incredibly well. We always were and there was no denying it because when you see beauty in everything, even the awful shit that comes with living in a world with a lot of sin in it, you are seeing God. How can you not be doing great when you see God through everything, even when things suck.

This has nothing to do with a condition or a feeling. This has to do with firm reality. I am a human being, originally created in the perfect image of God. If I acknowledge that and pursue it, how can I be doing any less than amazing.

It is not a feeling. I certainly don't feel great, I cannot stress that enough, but I am.

Well, it was late, so I went home. I put on "Desire" again:

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The waters higher.
Desire

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire

You know me. You don't mind waiting.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire

I laughed, out loud, like a fool, alone in the dark.

...By Its Right Name

"For a moment, she re-discovered the purpose of her life. She was here in earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and call each thing by its right name.” -Boris Pasternak

Upon hearing Chris McCandless recite this verse in Into the Wild I was struck by the notion of calling "each thing by its right name." That seemed to hold a deep significance in regards to Chris' epiphany toward the end of his life.

"What does this mean," I thought. It was as if this idea was just clawing at the inside of my soul trying to get out. During a discussion after watching the film, attention was brought to this quote (thank you Allie!):

"But if I am true to the concept that God utters in me, if I am true to the thought of Him I was meant to embody, I shall be full of His actuality and find Him everywhere in myself, and find myself nowhere. I shall be lost in Him." -Thomas Merton

This was it.

I want to find Him everywhere in myself and find myself nowhere.

I think that while we are here we are to direct the attention of each and every living thing back to their true nature, that which stems from the source: God.

What a task given to Adam.

Time

I realized today that it has been a week since last Thursday. It went by quickly and it became apparent a week is not as long as I once thought it was. The duration of my life is really just a great number of weeks strung together, so if this is true, then my life is not as long as I would hope it to be. This is unfortunate in many ways because there are a lot of beautiful people, amazing places, colorful leaves, and all sorts of things to experience. I better get on all that. I don't want to waste any more time.

I went to the Abbey on Thursday and just walked around and looked at things. It was rainy, which normally I hate, but it was peaceful. I found the continuous drone of the wind in the trees mixed with the percussiveness of the rain falling on my head quite pleasant to listen to.
I was also surrounded by like 9 other people who were experiencing the same sort of things, and I felt a bit silly. I think we all did. Some people admitted licking leaves to taste the rain. I rubbed my had on a tree and smelled the dirt and moss. I realize now that the whole time, I was looking for a place to hid and be silly alone. I found a big well and stood behind that. But I looked up and watched these tall thin trees sway drastically in the wind. The taller and further outside of the woods they were the more they moved. And the more they moved, the more leaves they lost. I realized that those trees we just letting themselves be vulnerable to the wind and letting the wind move them move and more. Then they were losing their leaves, becoming naked right in front of each other. They were just outside the security of the woods, swaying uncontrollably, dancing in the wind and losing their leaves.

I realized that this was kind of what was going on with the rest of us. We were all uncomfortable and didn't want to be seen emotionally naked, dancing in our senses, experiencing God. But the trees seemed fine with it, so why not I?

The other thing I noticed was that the trees in the middle of the woods were not swaying, because they were not exposed to the wind.

I don't want to be in the security of the woods anymore, because if I am, I can't be moved by the wind.

I'm done wasting time thinking and not touching. Talking and not tasting. Standing and not swaying.